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More than ever before in human history, we share a common destiny. We can master it only if we face it together. |
| The Udder Sustainability Act of 2009 |
| Sustainability |
| Saturday, March 07, 2009 |
|
I I was thinking about measures Congress could pass to help stimulate the economy and be “green” and “sustainable” at the same time, and I think I’ve come up with something. Congress should require every dairy in America to produce at least 50% of its products from cows milked by hand, instead of by machine. Sure, companies which make cow-milking machines might go bankrupt or at least have to lay off many employees, but those workers can get satisfying jobs, working in the fresh air, wearing interesting boots, and knowing they’re keeping the planet more natural, all while the beneficent federal government subsidizes each hand-milked gallon with a 25 cent transfer payment to the dairy. Sure, the cost to the dairy will be closer to $1 per gallon, but certainly Americans will be willing to pay more for such hand-crafted goodness. Doesn’t a fish taste better when you’ve caught it yourself, or your grandma’s apple pie seem more delicious because you know it was made with loving care? It can be the same with milk, butter, even ice cream (my personal favorite dairy product.) It’s true that the price per gallon of milk will go up 75 cents…and that the US produced about 182 billion pounds of milk, or about 21 billion gallons, in 2008. So consumers will either have to spend an extra $16 billion dollars directly (plus $5 billion through higher taxes), or cut back on their dairy intake. But won’t everyone be willing to support a return to good old-fashioned methods and the gentle touch of a human hand on cows’ udders across the nation? And who, if not our Congressmen, are wise enough to teach us that we’d just waste that $21 billion if we still had it in our own pockets? If I still had my share of that money, I might do something stupid with it, like use it toward the cost of a private education for my children or replace my car’s old tires or even just go out to dinner. How fortunate for us that we have a kind and caring government to make sure my money is used wisely. And luckily, we have a model for this already with the governments’ (federal and state) moves to require certain percentages of energy production to come from “alternative” sources! Only someone as creative as a senator from Iowa would have figured out that we can save the planet by burning our food supplies! Yes, every form of non-fossil fuel energy is much less efficient than oil and natural gas, but isn’t it worth it, how good you feel when you see the wind farm or the solar panel, knowing you’re saving the planet (because Al Gore said you are) even though your energy bills are going up so much that you have to set your thermostat on 68 in the winter and 76 in the summer? What’s a little financial discomfort when you’re doing something so Important? Actually, I sent my uber-Liberal senator a really great plan along these same lines! Have every person in America who heats his or her home with fossil fuel not buy ten gallons of that fuel, then take dollar bills equal to the price of the non-purchased fuel and burn them in a ceremonial stone fire pit created in their living rooms. It’s perfect! It’s an alternative energy source, generating almost no greenhouse gases in the 15 seconds it burns, and it shows the proper disrespect for something as gauche and passé as money and the capitalist system which America used to have but which our “elegant” president is so wisely destroying in pursuit of…well, I don’t really know, but I’m sure he has our best interests at heart. Are you all with me? Let’s get those machines off of cow teats and get some soft, caring human hands on there! What could be more important, and assuming that Congress agrees, how could our government be wrong?!? If raising prices for everyone in America so that we who really care say we should is good enough for a reprehensible product like oil (so what if we just happen to need it to heat our homes, cook our food, and drive our cars), it’s gotta be good enough for milk! [FROM: http://rossputin.com/blog/index.php/2009/03/07/the-udder-sustainability-act-of-2009] |